I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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