a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
