The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
