the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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