i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
