Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
