I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
