im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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