Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
