dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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