I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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