i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
