nut hugger
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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