Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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