i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
