she looked like the before picture.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
