On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
