Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
