I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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