Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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