There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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