It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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