So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
