the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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