sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
