I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
