so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
