i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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