I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
