kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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