it hurts more in the daytime
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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