I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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