Having a random hookup so left but love u
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
