I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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