Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Boobs speak an international language.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
