Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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