rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
