She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
