my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
