I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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