She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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