My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
