if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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