i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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