i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
