I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
