My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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