Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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