I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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