On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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