Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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