Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My liver just had a heart attack.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
