did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
